NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
____________________________________________________________
Subject: RECALIBRATE YOUR MOUSE
This is excellent. To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the +. Then drag
the moon toward the =. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.
+Stop fucking around and go do something constructive=
____________________________________________________________
Guy calls his office. Gets his boss on the phone.
"I'm sick," he says to the boss.
"You don't sound sick to me," says the boss.
"Oh yeah," he says? "I just fucked the dog. How sick is that?"
____________________________________________________________
CLICK HERE FOR PICTURES THAT PLAY WITH YOUR MIND
____________________________________________________
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about
his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over
and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car
window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old
daughter. The
little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the
penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then
flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the
heck was
that?" Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to
anything sexual at
such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug,
Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment
said....
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
____________________________________________________
Kenny G walks into an elevator and says, "Man, this place is
HAPPENING!"
____________________________________________________
Church Bulletin Bloopers:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be
speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
---------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." " The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
---------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
----------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has
been canceled due to a conflict.
---------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-- ---------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-----------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the
choir. They need all the help they can get.
-------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood
donors for more transfusions. She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.
----------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into
Joy."
------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen
to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope
along with the deceased person you want remembered.
----------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility
----------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
----------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
--------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn
singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in
the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at
7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
--------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
________________________________________________________
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
____________________________________________________________
Subject: RECALIBRATE YOUR MOUSE
This is excellent. To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the +. Then drag
the moon toward the =. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.
+Stop fucking around and go do something constructive=
____________________________________________________________
Guy calls his office. Gets his boss on the phone.
"I'm sick," he says to the boss.
"You don't sound sick to me," says the boss.
"Oh yeah," he says? "I just fucked the dog. How sick is that?"
____________________________________________________________
CLICK HERE FOR PICTURES THAT PLAY WITH YOUR MIND
____________________________________________________
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about
his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over
and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car
window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old
daughter. The
little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the
penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then
flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the
heck was
that?" Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to
anything sexual at
such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug,
Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment
said....
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
____________________________________________________
Kenny G walks into an elevator and says, "Man, this place is
HAPPENING!"
____________________________________________________
Church Bulletin Bloopers:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be
speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
---------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." " The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
---------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
----------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has
been canceled due to a conflict.
---------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-- ---------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-----------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the
choir. They need all the help they can get.
-------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood
donors for more transfusions. She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.
----------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into
Joy."
------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen
to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope
along with the deceased person you want remembered.
----------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility
----------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
----------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
--------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn
singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in
the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at
7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
--------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
________________________________________________________
Why Athletes Seldom Qualify for Real Jobs......
* Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I want all them kids to do what I do, to look up to
me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
* New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about
the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500
yards, whichever comes first."
* And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run
over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of
the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
* Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear
earrings."
* Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann,
1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
* Senior basketball player at the Universityof
Pittsburgh:"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how
long it takes."
* Bill Peterson, a FloridaStatefootball coach: "You guys
line up alphabetically by height."
* Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up
again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect
him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton."
* Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining
why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still
find my clothes."
* Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training
regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who
gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is."
* Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous
at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know
if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
* Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I
told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or
apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
* Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received four F's and
one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much
time on one subject."
Revised Hits for Baby Boomers (compiled by Jackie "The Joke Man"
Martling):
Herman's Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr: I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash: I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye: Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem: A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations: Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba: Denture Queen
Tony Orlando : Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy: I am Woman, Hear me Snore
Willie Nelson : On the Throne Again
Leslie Gore: It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
A few additions by Dennis Blair:
Britney Spears: Oops, I Shat in my Pants
Beach Boys: Help Me Get Out Of My Chair, Rhonda
U2 Vertigo...Also, Gout, Rickets and Emphysema
Christina Aguilera: Beautiful, Except for the Saggy Tits
A few additions by Scot Brown (with dennis ok)
Wizard of oz "ding dong the bitch is dead"
Skynards "retirement home Alabama"
____________________________________________________________
Martling):
Herman's Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr: I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash: I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye: Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem: A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations: Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba: Denture Queen
Tony Orlando : Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy: I am Woman, Hear me Snore
Willie Nelson : On the Throne Again
Leslie Gore: It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
A few additions by Dennis Blair:
Britney Spears: Oops, I Shat in my Pants
Beach Boys: Help Me Get Out Of My Chair, Rhonda
U2 Vertigo...Also, Gout, Rickets and Emphysema
Christina Aguilera: Beautiful, Except for the Saggy Tits
A few additions by Scot Brown (with dennis ok)
Wizard of oz "ding dong the bitch is dead"
Skynards "retirement home Alabama"
____________________________________________________________
| THE HELP SONG |
| FRED LOVES LUCY |
a place for the occassional great joke
or funny thing I get sent to me over
the internet that I want to share with
the world.
or funny thing I get sent to me over
the internet that I want to share with
the world.
Bird Flu strikes Disneyland, Paris" ??
Bird Flu strikes Disneyland, Paris" ??